Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Doomsday preppers

Charming’s favorite recent obsession (when not watching cooking shows) is Doomsday Preppers. It’s rapidly becoming one of our favorite hobbies to watch episodes and make fun of the rednecks until we almost pee our pants.

For those who have never seen the show, it’s a documentary-style program that follows 3 people/families per episode as they prepare for the end of the world. From things like a series of F5 tornadoes, nuclear power plant explosions, electromagnetic pulses, economic collapse, super volcano eruption and the sudden switching of the north and south magnetic poles. Ohgodwe’regoingtodie.

An incredulous-sounding narrator carefully ignores the mental illnesses driving these people as they stockpile live chickens, .22 caliber bullets and pea soup.

Then a panel of “expert practical preppers” completely arbitrarily scores these people on their preparation in 5 categories: water, food, shelter, security and X-FACTOR. X-Factor being things like “you live in the woods” and “you’re young.”

Here are some of our conversations from last night's viewing: 

Prepper Johnny O: I believe in redundancy, so I married my wife, who’s a twin. Gotta have redundancy for family continuity if something goes wrong.
Me:…So he just wants to bang his sister in law.  

Prepper Johnny O: The crow is in the nest, repeat THE CROW. IS. IN. THE. NEST.
Charming: The raven is in the endzone! The dolphin is in the ocean!
Me: Wait! The dolphin is in the aquarium! And it’s killing a human!
Charming: Our codes are getting too complicated!
Me: No, it’s really killing a human! Redundancy in dolphins was a terrible idea!
Charming: The dolphin is so horny… sooo horny….

Random fact across screen: In 2010, an 82 year old nun and two other people broke into a nuclear facility in ...Tennessee. 
Me: There's a radioactive nun on the loose! It's like a radioactive missile sent from God! 

Narrator: What Robert Earl calls building materials, most people would call… trash.
Charming: Why won’t they just build with actual materials that we have now??
Narrator: Other preppers might focus on practical things like building living quarters first…
Charming: Why is he building with bottles and kitty litter?? He can just buy cinder blocks now!

Big Al is a record producer in Nashville who has written a song about doomsday prepping. He has an underground bunker in some remote location 1800 miles from Nashville. Because when the Russians nuke us (his scenario), he’s totally going to have 2 ½ days and plenty of gas for his ancient SUV to drive there. On the roads that will magically survive the explosion.

Narrator: Big Al’s bugout home… totals 2000 square feet and is 2 stories tall. But you’d never know it, because it’s 5 feet underground.
Charming: Those are the shortest stories EVER.
Narrator: So when Al’s in bunker mode, he looks for ways to keep himself sane. Like experimenting with his 1500 cans of food on a recipe he calls… Bunker Stew.
Charming: That’s not a recipe! You’re just dumping 5 cans of vegetables into a pot!

Big Al: Well don’t just say he lives underground, so he’s a nut! Am I nuts, or are you?
Charming and I: Nope, it’s you!

Narrator: In desperate times, rattlesnake blood can serve as water
Me: *incoherent screaming*

Fifteen year old Jason is a doomsday prepper who gets his supplies by stealing them. From his mom. He also builds fires in buildings. Because he doesn't understand things like Wood = More Fire and Oxygen also = More Fire. Seriously, someone let this kid and his 2 underage friends build a fire in an abandoned building (with some bottled water to put it out) and then filmed it for TV.
Me: His eyes ... they're soulless. *Hides under Charming* Hold me.
Charming: This kid is totally going to shoot up his high school in a year.
Charming: How is this not a liability for the film crew? WHO OWNS THAT BUILDING??

Charming: I really can’t believe your dad hasn’t jumped on this prepping thing yet… 


  1. I have not watched this show and do not plan to. I did see a clip about it on the Soup, though, and I'm good. It was the one where they were drinking their own urine. Look, I get it. Desperate times and all . . . but why are you drinking it NOW? There is fresh water from the tap! That just kinda speaks to more of a fetish than being preparatory, ya know? Yuck.

    1. Yeah, I'm reasonably sure the vast majority of these people have some sort of paranoid-delusional and/or obsessive compulsive personality disorder, and that the network is just exploiting the crap out of them to make money. But for some reason, we can't stop watching...

  2. I am so freakishly obsessed with this show. Have you seen the one with the dude who built the underground bunker to hide with all of the world's children when Doomsday comes? ((shudder)) So...in summation...you want to screw a bunch of kids where no one can hear them scream. Duly noted.

    1. No! I'll have to go back and find that one. The last one we watched was the Houston doctor who temporarily lost his hearing and cried like a little baby while lying prone on the ground being attended to by a swarm of EMTs. Someone's not surviving the apocalypse...