Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Don't name your child Adolf Hitler, or I'll acid-rain-bomb you

Today marks the second time in [very] recent memory that I've looked at a headline and thought 'huh, that's actually kind of clever, Onion news writers.' Only to realize that this shit is real. The first time was when Westboro announced via iphone they were picketing Steve Jobs' funeral.

So I thought I'd share some of my favorite recent headlines that have made me wish acid rain to the genitals was an acceptable form of birth control:

1. Adolf Hitler Campbell Custody Dispute: Heath and Deborah Campbell Want Their Baby Back
Completely aside from the Chili’s commercial allusion (I want my baby back baby back baby back…), there is so much wrong in this story. If you haven’t been following, the ignorant famewhores parents who made headlines in 2009 when a food store refused to put their son Adolf Hitler’s name on a birthday cake have now had their newest little Nazi youth confiscated.

Little Adolf and his sisters JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler were removed from the home due to ‘domestic violence.’ I’d beat the fuck out of my spouse, too, if we were both that ignorant.

If this is what the new super-race is supposed to look like, I think I’ll pass.

2. Woman Gets Cement Injections In Butt
Ok, I know y’all want the honky tonk badonkadonk like I’ve got, but paying $700 to have a fake doctor inject cement, mineral oil and flat-tire sealant into your ass?? Just eat some damned biscuits and gravy or something.

Oh yeah, I’d tap that. Mainly to see if the flat-tire sealant really keeps it from leaking.

3. Fox News Viewers Know Less Than People Who Don't Watch Any News: Study
Isn’t this just a little bit like conducting a study that proves that monkeys can't type? Apparently, researchers at Fairleigh Dickinson University (I googled it, it’s real) found that even when controlling for partisanship (so not just all the ignorant nascar-shirt-wearing Republicans who are drawn to that shit like Jerry Sandusky to the boys’ locker room), people who watch Fox News are generally less informed about politics and more likely to believe misleading information. Good thing I gave up on the tee-vee and get all my news from Twitter now. DEMIandASHTONWHAT?!

4. Thieves ‘swarm’ convenience store
Seriously? How do you not see a group of 50+ teenagers – even if they have enough collective brain cells to stagger themselves – coming? ‘Oh, it looks like we are getting much business tonight! Must be lots of late-night studying going on, in this ghetto-ass part of Montgomery County!’
And honestly, I really fail to see how this is a problem. You have all these worthless dredges of society in one place, just lock the door and declare open season on ill-bred little jackals. Thank you, don’tfucking come again.

And that’s all the society shenanigans my poor, beleaguered brain can handle for now. Have you guys seen anything idiotically newsworthy lately?


  1. I really feel sorry for those kids. I mean, "Aryan Nation" is not even a *real* name.

    And cement in the butt? I think I just felt my I.Q. drop a few points...I'd better watch that "What What in the Butt" video to make me feel smarter. :P

  2. Barb - I know, right? School will be bad enough, but can you imagine when those kids are all old and grey, and trying to play bingo at the bingo hall, and they announce that JoyceLynn Aryan Nation is the winner? That poor old lady will be forever shunned from bingo games and canasta tournaments. Set up for an entire life of misery, I tell you.

    Hahaha - that video is getting even more literal now...