So I thought I'd share some of my favorite recent headlines that have made me wish acid rain to the genitals was an acceptable form of birth control:
1. Adolf Hitler Campbell Custody Dispute: Heath and Deborah Campbell Want Their Baby Back
Completely aside from the Chili’s commercial allusion (I want my baby back baby back baby back…), there is so much wrong in this story. If you haven’t been following, the
Little Adolf and his sisters JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler were removed from the home due to ‘domestic violence.’ I’d beat the fuck out of my spouse, too, if we were both that ignorant.
2. Woman Gets Cement Injections In Butt
Ok, I know y’all want the honky tonk badonkadonk like I’ve got, but paying $700 to have a fake doctor inject cement, mineral oil and flat-tire sealant into your ass?? Just eat some damned biscuits and gravy or something.
3. Fox News Viewers Know Less Than People Who Don't Watch Any News: Study
Isn’t this just a little bit like conducting a study that proves that monkeys can't type? Apparently, researchers at Fairleigh Dickinson University (I googled it, it’s real) found that even when controlling for partisanship (so not just all the ignorant nascar-shirt-wearing Republicans who are drawn to that shit like Jerry Sandusky to the boys’ locker room), people who watch Fox News are generally less informed about politics and more likely to believe misleading information. Good thing I gave up on the tee-vee and get all my news from Twitter now. DEMIandASHTONWHAT?!
4. Thieves ‘swarm’ convenience store
Seriously? How do you not see a group of 50+ teenagers – even if they have enough collective brain cells to stagger themselves – coming? ‘Oh, it looks like we are getting much business tonight! Must be lots of late-night studying going on, in this ghetto-ass part of Montgomery County!’
And honestly, I really fail to see how this is a problem. You have all these worthless dredges of society in one place, just lock the door and declare open season on ill-bred little jackals. Thank you, don’tfucking come again.
And that’s all the society shenanigans my poor, beleaguered brain can handle for now. Have you guys seen anything idiotically newsworthy lately?